Monday, September 17, 2007

Advice sought..

Baron Hardegg (Minister for Foreign Relations)Frundsberg Frei Stat.
Sir I send the greetings of the Duchy of Tradgardland to you. We are most interested in your Military Academy and what services you are able to offer. We are but a small Duchy yet one proud of her martial traditions. We wonder what expertise you are able to supply in the area of artillery and cavalry tactics. In exchange we can offer our unrivaled knowledge of naval technological endeavours.
I await your reply with great interest.
yours fraternally
Col D'Rockett
Director Barabara Powder Mill and Military pyrotechnical fabricators


abdul666 said...

While our peaceful country could not -and would not- claim any practical experience in matters related to Land Warfare, and while acknowledging that we are deprived of any Oversea Colony, we cannot let pass unchallenged the Tradgardlander claim of "unrivaled knowledge of naval technological endeavours".
See our prospectus

Edgar Allan Lovecraft de Dunwitch et Innsmouth, Secretaire Permanent de l'Academie des Sciences de Monte-Cristo

abdul666 said...

To Our Cousin the Duke of Tradgarland
On this Holly Sunday blessed by Sainte Edith

Our Dear Cousin,

prompted by an understandable, if somehow childish, sentiment of rivalry, Tradgarlander engineers –specially some shipbuilders– tend to disparage the achievements of their Monte-Cristan colleagues: this We cannot let pass uncommented.

Monte-Cristan inventions *work*: We are not a crook; still –from Me to You– your scientists are right on a point. Monte-Cristan inventions are functional, but totally ineffective. When I have given You the Humanitary & Enlightened Reason of our Practice, You for sure will see their Wisdom and join Our Side.

War is a cruel, bloody, inhuman affair; yet in Our time it is usually wagged in as a civilized, decent way as possible. One’s opponent and his soldiery are not enemies, but fair adversaries at worst. Battlefield manoeuvres are done like pieces of a ballet or chess movements. Gallantry is honored, profesional soldiers see the soldiers they fight as confreres in a difficult, harsh, meritorious trade. Prisoners, specially if wounded, are well treated (as well as one’s own wounded, for what it is worth). Winning generals offer honorable surrender instead of carrying on a pointless massacre, loosing ones agree to surrendering rather than keeping their brave men slaughtered without hope of success. Even the civilians are treated as well as possible (except during sieges, of course). Actually our wars are as chivalrous as in the tales of chivalry –and for sure more than they were in real knightly times: to the point they are sometimes called the ‘Lace Wars’.

Our time has pushed the Cruelty of War down to its Nadir, but this blessed achievement is fragile, more brittle than glass. Any alteration of the current Way of War would break this precious meta-equilibrium, Inhumanity, Bloodthirst and Madness are on the lookout for any changing of our Lace Wars, to rule again on the Fields of Mars. On that is precisely why, Dear Cousin, We auction –and hopefully will collect insanely high bids for– inefficient ‘advanced’ devices of warfare. The most bellicose Rulers will waste fortunes on useless Toys for Kings, all other will learn and everybody will keep to the current Ways of War.

As for the teachings of the Frundsberg Kreigsacademie, not only We do not fear them, on the opposite We welcome their advertisement. Based on past, if recent, experience they will not introduce any novelty: quite on the contrary they will discourage any innovation that would make them obsolete.

But, Our Dear Cousin, there is a far more fearsome prospect as to changing drastically the current Mode of Warfare, and one We cannot repulse by loudly praising (h)armless toys: the crazy idea of general conscription, of compulsory military service; the instauration of a ‘general / popular’ war, the total mobilization of a whole country. Every man between 16 and 50 pressed into military service, the wives, daughters and even mothers working in the fields and weapons manufactures, perhaps even armed for Home Defense. The only way for such a wholly enlisted country & population to merely survive will be to constantly conquer & plunder new territories. Worse, there is only one single way to keep all these men, unwillingly dragged from their homes, disciplined and willing; to keep all these gren recruits in a fighting mood facing the fear, the shock of casualties, the screamings of dismembered friends: that is to have them burning with hate, with fanaticism. Then honor, gallantry & respect will disappear from the battlefield, wanton bloodshed will be cultivated, wounded slaughtered, prisoners massacred. Even the civilians will be seen as horrendeous, abhuman critters, and such a ‘popular’ drafted army will swarm down on the innocent population as all the Plagues of Egypt together. And the worst will be still to come: no decent, civilized professional army will stand the assault of immense, maddened hordes, so every country will have to follow the insane example or die. And that, Dear Cousin, will be the End of Civilization as we know it.

To prevent such Apocalypse, We could only resort to the preventive assassination of any ruler just beginning to toy with such insane ideas. Assasination is the only weapon of tiny, weak, disarmed, innocuous Monte-Cristo, and thus (owing to the force of pragamatic realism –and how deeply all we Monte-Cristans regret it) our Agencies had to become *extremely* proficient in its practice.

And, Our Dear Cousin, the Good of Humanity would –regretfully– compel Us to commit the Assassination of any Ruler unwise enough to try & modify the Practice of Warfare, would it be Land or Naval.

Accept, Our Dear Cousin, Our fraternal warning embrace.

Louys of Monte-Cristo

Frankfurter said...

Given the overwhelming technological advantages of Monte Cristo, Frankszonia bets a thousand noble roses that the combined fleets of the Mediterranean powers could not obliterate the island ....
Meanwhile, as a sign of our respect, we're shipping them a hold full of vintage "Dilbert's Sausages" ....

Stanken, Hurtshog Fahrtz von Frankszonia ....

abdul666 said...

To Our Dear Frankszonian Cousin,

as a modest acknowledgement of Your pleasant gift, a pair of young Monte-Cristan ladies are currently escorting to Your Palace an assortment of delicacies and beverages that made the repute of Our Peaceful Presipality.